5 Months...Bittersweet

Five months old.  You are no longer a newborn.  I miss the newborn days.  The up-all-nights, the sweet newborn cry, changing diapers and nursing every two hours.  The days that many people wish away, I wish to hold onto.  But time doesn't stand still.  So I keep cherishing every moment.  It's not the firsts that are a big deal to me (and I don't wish for them because when they arrive it means an old phase has ended and a new phase has begun).  It's the lasts that show you are growing.  The last time you wake-up in the middle of the night.  Outgrowing newborn clothes and having to pack them away.  Oh, my dear little one.  You are growing up right before my eyes.  You have more than doubled your birthweight.  We were all so worried about you when you were born, but you have proved to be so strong.  And filled with great joy.  Your smile and laughter fill my cup to overflowing.  The love your big brother has for you grows each day, and you seem pretty fond of him, too.  You love to lay next to your big buddy and touch his face.  It makes Jonathan laugh like crazy, and I absolutely love it.  Everything you touch seems to end up in your mouth.  You still love your binky, and you continue to hold a small cloth in your hands when you go to sleep.  You reach out to touch our faces when we hold you, which is one of my favorite things.  You are LOUD.  Like, super-duper loud.  You squeal and try to talk.  There is nothing quiet about you, except when you are tired and pretty mellow.  Grandma says that you are louder than Allyson. 

Five months old.  Back to work.  It is so hard to leave each day and spend the majority of the day away from you and Jonathan.  But, this is the calling God has placed on my life.  It is beyond stressful this year with more demands in education and finding a balance is a challenge.  (Honestly, I haven't quite figured out a "balance" yet.  Just living on about 5 hours of sleep each night right now as I give my job 100% from 7:00-3:00, my family 100% until bedtime, and then my job from bedtime until around 10:30 or 11:00.)  I'm sure it will get easier as the school year continues.  Thankfully, we have a wonderful lady to help raise you and Jonathan while I am away.  And I take advantage of the time I have with you in the evenings.

Four month stats
Weight: 15 lbs, 4 oz.
Length: 25 inches

5 Month Stats

Weight: 16 lbs, 3 oz (47th percentile)

Length: 25 1/2 inches (31st percentile)



My "Secret" Guilt

I will return to work in less than a week on Thursday, August 29th.  Owen will be exactly five months old that day.  This maternity leave has been incredible.  Because of the timing of his birth, and the fact that I had a c-section, I was able to take off work (paid!) for the remainder of the school year.  Those eight weeks, coupled with the extra long summer our district had due to building renovations, equal five entire months of healing and fun with my sons.  Spoiled, I know.  And extremely thankful for this time with my boys. 

Alas, the summer is nearing an end and fall is looming.  Jonathan will start preschool on September 3rd, and I will being my 7th year of teaching.  We have prayerfully decided upon homeschooling for Jonathan for his first year of preschool.  Back in July, we toured a preschool.  Jonathan did not really interact with the other children; he chose to play by himself and he also sat on the ground and asked for his friend Chase from his previous sitter (whom he would still be going to if we had not relocated).  Obviously, I was concerned about Jonathan.  He has always been with a sitter with just a few other kids, and he seemed overwhelmed by the large number of children that would be in his class.  God put it on my heart to ask a friend if she might homeschool him for the school year, and also watch Owen.  Well, our God is amazing (duh), and put the same calling on my friend's heart, so she will be homeschooling her boys plus Jonathan, and also loving on Owen all day.  It is so difficult to leave my boys, but knowing that they are in a Christian home gives me peace.

On to my "secret" guilt.  Each year of returning to work since having Jonathan has been a struggle.  I desperately want to be a stay-at-home mom.  However, I also desperately want to teach.  Unfortunately, I can not fulfill both roles at the same time.  Being a teacher allows me to do both...kind of.  During the summers, I enjoy being with my boys all day every day.  During the school year, I get to impact the lives of children who need to be loved and taught not only academics, but life skills.  But each year I feel guilty for working.  I feel guilty for leaving my boys each day in order to work with other children.  And sometimes I'm just plain angry.  Because there are people in my life who think that it is selfish for moms to work outside of the home.  Sometimes words hurt...deeply.  And the guilt worsens.  One lady even said that stay-at-home moms have their priorities straight, implying that working moms do not.  And so I feel guilty for working.  I know that I shouldn't.  I know that God has called me to be a teacher and a mom.  I am reminded of the calling that God has placed on my life each year when I am able to help students realize their full potential.  Sometimes I am reminded of my calling by the students that have asked me to adopt them.  It's in their smiles.  It's in their hard work.  It's in their acts of kindness toward one another.  It's in their gratefulness.  It's in their tears as I strive to help them work through difficulties in their lives.  So then, why should I feel guilty for teaching?  Maybe it's because I'm not able to impact the lives of my own children during the day.  Maybe it's because I allow the opinions of others to make me feel like less of a mom for working outside of the home. 

The point of this post is that, yes, I feel guilty for being a working mom.  But it's also that I want working moms to feel empowered for making an impact in their workplace.  And I want stay-at-home moms to encourage working moms.  To let them know that it's OK that they are not at home all day with their children.  Because God doesn't call every mom to stay at home.  He needs moms to be in the workplace, blessing and encouraging others.  And he also needs moms to be at home with their children.  So whatever role God has placed upon your life, be encouraged that you are in the right place.  Be encouraged that God is going to use you whether it is at home or at work.  Wherever God calls you to do, be obedient.  And try not to feel guilty for fulfilling that calling.  Rather, look for opportunities to bless others through your circumstances.  I am going to try to take my own advice.  :O)

A Picture is Worth a Thousand Words

Enjoy the story told in these photographs of our family, taken by Amy Tudor from Eternal Keepsake Photography.

 

 

All photos used with permission from Eternal Keepsake Photography.